Events that Belong in an Alternative Olympics

About a week or two ago, I came across a video on Twitter that struck a serious chord. Now that what I saw struck a chord with me is not important, but rather why what I saw struck a chord with me. After maybe two seconds of viewing a clip of the Balloon World Cup on Twitter, I already knew why I cared about what I was watching. It's one of the most commonplace and most fun activities in the world. It can be played virtually anywhere, in any setting, by almost anyone of any age - and most of us have already played it.

When I saw two guys navigating what looks like a prop living room inside a smaller, square-shaped enclosed rink area, the nostalgia hit me like a falling piano. EVERY kid has played it. Three or four friends are sitting in one kid's living room. Either your friend or their sibling had a recent birthday party. Then, like the shot of starting pistol, one kid watermelons a balloon to themself and just like that it's game on. No rules need be explained, no reminders of the boundaries of the field of play, although you've never been explained this before it's only because you've never needed it to be explained. The balloon cannot touch the ground.

So when I saw this commercialized version of the sports we know (seemingly biologically) and love, whether we really remember it after age 10 or not, there was a feeling of satisfaction that came over me. Imagine living in rural Texas in the 1930s. One day you and a friend a building a shed. Without TV, social media, hell literally anything other than breathing or reading a book, the two of you try to occupy the time in the vapid existence that is your life, so you round up a few extra wood planks left over from the shed. Hey, what do you know, a couple sand bags laying around. Eventually the game of trying to land the sand bag on the wood plank isn't cutting it and you have six more hours of sunlight left, so you cut a hole in each plank. Fast forward 90 years, this sport is now on ESPN. I believe that will be me and my friends circa 2003 in the year 2070.

Here are some activities / chores / hobbies that deserve to be recognized in an Olympic-style competition:

Balloon Hitting

I already gave this sport a longer standing O than Brendan Fraser got for the "The Whale". Just watch this clip below and tell me you wouldn't enjoy watching this one week a year...

Rock Skipping

I imagine a Rock Skipping event like skiing in the winter Olympics. You have the time trial, or reverse time trial in this case, where the rock skipped lasting the longest duration of time would win. Also, the freestyle event, in which points would be awarded to different aerial moves and skip-move-skip combinations; imagine watching a rock flip through the air from the same cameras used to capture individual frames of batters' swings in postseason MLB games.

Leaf Raking

This one came straight out of my brain. To be honest I don't know how this would work, but after seeing the makeshift living room in the Balloon World Cup I feel like anything is possible. Imagine two equally sized enclosure spaces like in the Balloon Hitting, except each team has their own space, lined with grass on the ground. The objective is easy, to rake the leaves within a centralized circle, let's say six feet in diameter. The twist, however, is that at random there is a gusting mechanism, or a Big Ass Fan (sponsorship opportunity), that periodically redistributes some or maybe all of a team's leaves. Again, can't watch this every Saturday, but one week a year, hell yes gimme Leaf Raking.

*Edit* I feel like curling countries could be good at this.

1v1 Crosswords

I think last summer(?) there was an actual real life Microsoft Excel World Championship. To me if people are willing to watch other people compete in arguably the most mundane activity out there, people will damn sure watch others duel in solving an 8-letter word for something not to joke about at a movie awards show. Imagine the electricity of each competitor having one word left, of which the other competitor has already solved... Gimme a rainy day and Ken Jennings running the gauntlet of the "Crossword World Championships presented by the New York Times" - that's a paywall I'm scanning the credit card for.

Metal Detecting

I'm really happy I thought of this one. Literally just tried to think of random things and was having a mental block for a good 20 minutes. Watching Metal Detecting would be like watching golf if you're not a fan or watching African wildlife live cams if you're anyone - a lot of waiting around with little movement, then one sudden roar and a flash of action. I actually love watching those cams and recommend it. Great to fall asleep. In order to make Metal Detecting as entertaining as possible, the broadcast should have multiple players hunting metal at once, but with a twist; each player gets to select where they will be searching, outlined by some measured square-foot area of land. Send a small production crew out to each location and flip through each person detecting like it's God damn NFL Redzone. All jokes aside can you imagine tuning into this and catching the one time some dude pulls up like a gold chalice from Columbus? That moment alone is worth its weight in gold.

As usual here is a song to send you off. Tried to think of something game related and this is what came to mind because my brain is broken. Have a great day!